Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
