Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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