I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
