scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
