The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
