i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
