my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
