Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
