Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
