I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
