I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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