Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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