my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
