i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
