Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
