VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
