I'm jealous of your bromance
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
