I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
