My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
