I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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