$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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