What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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