And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
