Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
