Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
