First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
