nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
