I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just high enough for therapy.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
