Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
