They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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