That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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