Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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