thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
