I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
