Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
