Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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