The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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