I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
