I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
