I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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