you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
