Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
