More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
