When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
