how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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