my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
