once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
