Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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