i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
