I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
