i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
sex in a hospital.. check
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
